The Three Stages of Parenting

The Three Stages of Parenting

Parenting is one of the greatest responsibilities and honors entrusted to a Muslim woman. In motherhood lies a profound act of worship, a continuous investment into the next generation, and a journey that tests and enriches the heart. It is a role that requires patience, intellect, and above all, the constant remembrance that children are an amānah — a trust from Allah.

Among the many pearls of wisdom that have reached us from the early generations, one remarkable statement is attributed to ʿAlī ibn Abī Tālib رضي الله عنه, the noble cousin and son-in-law of the Prophet ﷺ. Though not a hadīth, it carries insight that has resonated through centuries, offering parents a framework to understand the stages of a child’s growth.

ʿAlī رضي الله عنه is reported to have said:

“Play with them for the first seven years,
discipline them for the next seven years,
and be their companion for the following seven years.”

Within these few words lies a philosophy of parenting that beautifully mirrors the natural development of children and adolescents. It reminds us that no single approach suits every stage of life, and that true wisdom is in adjusting our methods as our children grow. For Muslim mothers, this can help guide us on how to nurture with love, discipline with mercy, and lead with trust.

The first seven years of a child’s life are years of wonder, affection, and discovery. A young child sees the world with fresh eyes, eager to play, explore, and be embraced. In this phase, love and play are not distractions from serious parenting, but the very essence of it. By offering affection and creating an atmosphere of safety, a mother lays the emotional foundation upon which her child will stand for the rest of his or her life. These years are about building attachment, giving unconditional love, and allowing curiosity to flourish. A child who feels secure and cherished will grow with resilience and confidence, knowing that home is a place of safety and warmth. In Islam, play is not meaningless — it is a tool of learning, bonding, and growth, a way for the young heart to feel joy while being shaped by faith and values.

When a child reaches the age of seven, the landscape begins to shift. This is the time when discipline, structure, and responsibility take root. It is not a harsh discipline of anger or punishment, but rather a teaching discipline that guides the child towards self-control, respect, and the understanding of obligations. It is in these years that parents introduce regular acts of worship, such as the prayer, gradually helping the child to recognize the beauty and importance of their relationship with Allah. Knowledge, manners, and household responsibilities become part of their upbringing, teaching them that life is not only about receiving but also about giving. For the Muslim mother, this phase requires patience and consistency, for it is the time of planting seeds of character. Just as a gardener waters and looks after a growing plant, a mother instills values of honesty, kindness, respect, and responsibility, knowing that these lessons will bear fruit in the years ahead.

The transition into adolescence at fourteen brings new challenges and opportunities. No longer a child, yet not fully an adult, the young person yearns for independence while still needing guidance. Here, the role of the parent shifts again, from that of authority to that of companion. Friendship does not mean equal footing in responsibility, but rather a relationship rooted in mutual respect, trust, and open dialogue. A mother who becomes her teenager’s confidant and supporter creates a bond that endures through the trials of youth. It is in this phase that listening becomes as important as teaching, and that trust must be nurtured carefully. By walking alongside her child with wisdom and empathy, a mother helps them navigate the complexities of identity, faith, and choices. This companionship prepares them to step into adulthood with confidence, knowing that while their parents cannot shield them from every storm, they are always a safe space and a source of guidance.

What makes this saying of ʿAlī رضي الله عنه so powerful is its timeless relevance. It acknowledges that parenting is not static but dynamic, requiring adaptation as children grow. The tenderness of play in early years, the structure of discipline in middle years, and the friendship of guidance in later years form a well-rounded approach that balances love and authority. For Muslim women — whether already mothers, preparing for motherhood, or praying for the blessing of a child — this wisdom is a reminder that raising children is both an art and an act of worship. Each stage is an opportunity to fulfill a trust, to shape hearts not only for this world but for the Hereafter.

As Muslim mothers, our path is often filled with self-doubt, worry, and the weight of responsibility. Yet, within this saying lies reassurance: you are not meant to parent the same way in every season. Allow yourself to embrace the playfulness of early childhood without guilt. Stand firm with loving discipline during the years of training without harshness. And when the time comes, open your heart to the friendship of adolescence, walking with your child rather than only in front of them.

Parenting is not about perfection, but about presence, love, and reliance upon Allah in every stage.

May Allah grant every mother wisdom in her speech and actions, and patience through every trial. May He bless our children to be a source of comfort and joy in this world, and a light for us in the Hereafter. And may He enable us to raise a generation nurtured with love, guided with discipline, and strengthened through companionship.